This past week I have read a lot of debate back and forth in the blogging world between daddy bloggers, mommy bloggers, double standards and how far the difference is between the two, if at all. At the same time this week I have also been reading about one blogger in particular, Jill, the mom behind the blog The Real Life of a Redhead (@fierceandfiesty)You see, everything gets put into perspective when you read a mother write about the devastating loss of her seven week old son this week to Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. Coincidentally he passed away after he underwent a circumcision in the hospital. The Intactivism movement (anti-circumcision activists) has attached itself to this mother and her family in a vile and misguided jihad to promote their own ideals. This post is not about the debate surrounding circumcision, it's about human decency.
What I’ve witnessed happening to Jill and her family this week is by far the worst case of harassment, bullying, and in many ways stalking, that I have ever seen. This group has been sending hateful messages to a mother in grieving, has gone so far as to call her local newspapers, threatened to protest her son’s funeral and has even been calling and harassing the coroner’s office.
I’m mouthy, I don’t hold back, but I don’t usually get involved in the controversies that are rattling the halls of the social networks that I venture on to, in this case Twitter. Honestly most are not worth my passion and time. They are silly. This one however is different, and I find that I can’t hold my words any longer. These actions have been vile and evil to the core.
When I see another person in pain, being harassed in the wake of her child’s death, the world of “mommy blogger” and “daddy blogger” vanishes. We are a community of real people, not monikers. The hallmark of any strong community is that you band together and support a member of your community when they are at their most vulnerable and in their darkest hour. The strong protect the weak until they are strong enough again to fight their own battles, even then we continue to support each other and together the community is all the more meaningful. We have each others back, even if we don’t personally know each other.
To the flock of evil flying monkeys that are circling Jill and her family I have the following to say…
When you set out to destroy a grieving parent you set out to destroy the memory of a precious child, a child whose memory deserves reverence. You respect and honor a child’s memory by respecting his parents in their darkest hour, despite your agenda. The two can not be separated.
A child’s casket is not the soapbox on which to stand upon in righteous indignation and zealous desire for your groups battle cry to be heard. Your message is lost in the depths of your callous madness.
May you never know the pain of losing a child, or the added indignity of such misplaced emotional cruelty on your own family. There is not a parent who has lost a child all too soon, and if they are lost it is always too soon, that wouldn’t give anything and everything to have their child back. To attack a grieving mother in a blitzkrieg of hate and detached coldness is a war you will ultimately lose. This manner by which you play diminishes your humanity which is a direct contradiction to the very message you wish to promote.
The simplest of all truths is that you earn respect by giving respect. I have witnessed this mother in her recent days of grieving carry herself with more grace and restraint than any mother, let alone a mother in grieving, should have to maintain. For this, you and your army of bullshit infused bully minions should get down on your knees and thank God for. I, on the other hand never claimed to have even a quarter of the grace or restraint that Jill does so luckily for me I am free to say the following… Fuck. You.
If you want to bully someone then leave this grieving mother and her family alone and come after me bitches. It’s easy to pick on someone who is down. Perhaps if you have to add harassing Jill’s supporters to your demonic to-do list you won’t have enough hours left in your pathetic day to continue harassing a mother who is burying a piece of her own heart this week.
To Jill...
I am not the woman of God that you are and that you speak of on your blog. I am however a woman of faith and character. You are not alone. You are surrounded by the love and support of a million silent strangers who can not begin to imagine your pain. In your hardest moments, the quiet ones you'll undoubtedly have alone when the noise of this chaos quiets, please know that though I can not walk in your shoes for you I can walk beside you bitch slapping these bully bastards down at every corner. Your grace and your strength, though you can't see it now, are an inspiration to all. Don't lower yourself to their level, let people like me do it for you. God bless you and your family. Much love.
Single Mom Survives
October 12, 2010
Advice Bitch: The Rules of Engagement
Dear Single Mom Survives,
I loved your advice in this situation, but I think you left out a couple of things that I'd like your take on. I think by rules of engagement, dusty meant things like does the guy still pay? Are you supposed to go Dutch? Can you ask them out? Are you supposed to wait on them? Do you have to tell them your life story on a first date? Is it appropriate to just talk about the weather? Do you even have to tell them about your kids at first or any other complications of your life so they know what they are getting into or do you wait until you know if you are even really interested and vice versa? Inquiring minds want to know.
Sincerely yours,
Inquisitive Commenter
You are absolutely correct, Dusty Dating Diva did mean exactly what you've asked. I was just testing you guys to see if anyone was paying attention. By paying attention I mean even reading this. You get a high five and an ass slap because this is private school and we can get away with that here. Ok... here we go. Keep in mind these are my opinions and I'm full of shit.
Does the guy still pay or are you supposed to go Dutch?
- Unless that dude is from Holland and sporting wooden shoes and comes bearing a legal doobie I believe he should pay. Now before I'm flogged and stoned, pun intended, for this let me preface that answer with the following. In this scenario my assumption is that this dashing suitor has asked you out on the date. I'm a firm believe that when it comes to a FIRST DATE that he, or she, who asked should pay. I always offer to contribute but yes, I will confess, if he says ok (and again this is on a first date) that's a strike. Is this fair? Probably not. Does this sound like a crazy woman trap meant to confuse? Yes, but really it's not intentional. Should you probably not even offer and just politely say thank you? Yes. However, I don't know about you, but I find it to be a huge turnoff to have a dude that asked me out on a date look at the check at and then adoringly gaze up at me and tell me what my portion of the bill is. I'm sorry but on a first date that is a douche move. I actually had a dude earlier this summer break out his wallet and make change for me on a $14 pool tab that we split. I'm sorry, but that's just fucking ridiculous.
Can you ask them out or are you supposed to wait on them?
- Hell yeah woman, make your move and get your badass woman power on! Rawr. Asking a man out is sexy. It show's you're not shy and you're not afraid to go for what you want - these are sexy traits in a woman. I mean I don't date women but I'm guessing from a guys perspective they are? I find these traits sexy in a man so why not? In fact it's really hard for a lot of guys to make a move and ask a woman out, this would be a nice change of pace. I can't even imagine how exhausting that is for men to constantly be the ones to ask a woman out. As long as you're not a desperate needy stalker this is hot! I'm a doer, not someone who sits on the sidelines and waits. Life is stopping any time soon, go get your freak on.
Do you have to tell them your life story on a first date?
- No. In fact you shouldn't. A first date should leave you both wanting to know more. Also, you don't want to be the crazy chick that spent the entire date detailing her first lost tooth, how she won the science fair in JR High and the time she had that experimental phase in college. Leave a little mystery.
Is it appropriate to just talk about the weather?
- Sure, if you want him to fall asleep and break a tooth when he plants his face in his dinner plate. If you’re on a date then odds are there is something that already attracted you to each other than how hot his ass is and how cute you look in your winter parka. Just relax, go with the flow, talk about the things you love. Don’t monopolize the conversation. Ask him about himself, find common ground. Honestly if you click you click, if you don’t then that’s the point of a first date. Just whatever you do be yourself! Don’t dumb yourself or the conversation down.
Do you even have to tell them about your kids at first or any other complications of your life so they know what they are getting into or do you wait until you know if you are even really interested and vice versa?
- If you feel that you need to hide the fact that you have a kid then you’re not ready to date. Kids are not something you hide from a date, ever. In case I wasn’t clear. KIDS ARE NOT SOMETHING YOU HIDE FROM A DATE, EVER. If you have to hide this fact from your date then he’s a crotch monkey and you need to move on. When you are a single parent and you are dating you’re looking to develop a relationship with someone who is not only good enough for you but good enough for your kids as well.
- Now I’m not sure I know what you mean when you mention “life complications”. I guess this would depend on what that complication is. I usually believe in honesty right up front but does that mean you have to tell a dude you returned a library book late and you’re now on the Library Wall of Shame? Ummm, no. If the complication is something like you’re not divorced yet – then yes. I believe that is something you should share. You shouldn’t lie but you also don’t have to disclose your 401K balance, your blood type and the details of your crazy aunt. The more you grow and get to know each other and the more comfortable you are in sharing things go ahead. Don’t withhold things that may be deal breakers for someone but you don’t have to tell all of your secrets up front unless it’s major. Look at it this way, whatever it is, is it something that you’d be upset if they didn’t tell you? If not then don’t worry about it until it’s time, if ever.
October 11, 2010
Advice Bitch: Dear Dusty Dating Diva
How in the world do you date at the age of 35 after not having dated since you were 22 years old? I am a single mom to a 10 yr old son. Our custody situation is NOT amicable, I have primary physical custody. What are the rules of engagement? I've tried the online thing and met some nice people however the majority of the men have been, for lack of better description, WEIRD. Not a laugh your ass off kind of weird, more like an "I'm so glad you don't know where I live" kind of weird. I really don't have a clue how to get out there and meet people, and even if I conquered that, what are the rules of engagement here in 2010? Help. I have no idea what I'm doing.
Sincerely,
Dusty Dating Diva
Dear Dusty Dating Diva, Here’s the part that sucks, by “the part” I mean my answer… Hell if I know? If I had all the answers to this one I’d just be “Mom Survives”. Let’s just pretend for a second that, despite my own single status, I know what I am talking about, which for the record I don’t.
First things first, get thee to a salon and get that shit ship shape. Now don’t get me wrong, I know this is tough. I will confess I don’t go as often as I should to have my cute polished up but the first step here is taking care of you. Get your cute and sexy! Yes, it’s in there. If you build it they will come. Do this NOT FOR A GUY BUT FOR YOURSELF! If you feel cute and sassy that will show through in your personality. You’ll be relaxed, comfortable and confident. Confidence, I don’t care what you look like, is sexy. Once you have confidence in your swagger, you’ll have a brighter smile, you’ll be a little happier and trust me…. Dudes will notice.
Like you, I was out of the dating scene for over ten years. I am not one to perfume the pig so I won’t. It sucks. The good news is, it also doesn’t suck. It’s not all bad. You win some, you lose some, you have interesting experiences to tell your girlfriends about. The best part is you’re living. Be happy being single. Once you’re in a relationship again you’ll have days where you miss this freedom that you have right now, you’ll miss your autonomy. Cherish, instead of begrudge, these single days. Once you’re genuinely happy and comfortable being single then it’s time to date. Dating before you get to this point will lead you to make bad choices for the sake of not being single.
Regarding your non-amicable situation with your ex, my best advice… Don’t invite him to the date. Fuck him. He’s not a factor here. There’s a reason he’s your ex and unless you plan on cuddling up with him on the phone and telling him all about your romantic evening with someone else what does he have to do with it? The time that you have while your child is at his dad’s house is your time to do with what you wish. Unless you’re smoking crack and turning tricks on the corner of Main St and Bad Mom Avenue then it’s none of his damn business.
My advice would be to not introduce a man to your son until you’ve established a committed relationship, you are really sure about this person, and they are really sure about you. This is one thing that should require a long discussion prior to happening to make sure you're on the same page. I have twisty turny woozie uncomfortable feelings about meeting each other’s kids too soon. It just repeats over and over the cycle of loss for a child should the relationship not work out. Also, you need time as adults to establish a solid foundation to your relationship. It’s an important component but it should be part of the final exam, not the mid-term.
The stigma attached to online dating in years past is gone baby gone. Honestly, I’m happy to see that. Would I love or prefer to meet someone in the grocery store, book store, school fundraiser or have a man fall out of the fucking sky while I’m walking with my kid through our neighborhood? Absofuckinglutely! The odds of it happening are slim to none. There’s nothing wrong with taking charge of your romantic destiny.
I’d venture to guess that as much as online dating sucks ass that the number of spinsters and bachelors has decreased over the past fifty years due specifically to online dating and the ability to cast a wider net. Is it a perfect system? No. But is it any less perfect than hoping you’ll meet some sweaty drunk dude in a bar? No. Honestly, I’d rather take my chances with online dating – as much of a freak show as it is I feel like I can at least pre-screen and weed out potential douchiness. Besides, have you looked around your own office even lately? There are weird dudes and chicks everywhere my friend.
There are nice, normal, down to earth, funny, intelligent, charming and good guys out there in the online dating world. Like us, they are busy and have full lives and this is a modern convenient way to meet and find someone. And no, not all of them are just looking to get laid. You have to learn how to be an expert screener. It’s ok to be a bitch with no remorse when you weed through the herd. You have complete control over who has access to you and gets a date. If there is anything in the slightest way that turns you off before you even meet someone then don’t do it. There are a million fish in the sea. Listen to your gut, but don’t shy away from online dating just yet.
So there you have it. The rules of engagement… don’t be an asshole. How it’s done in 2010? Just like it was in 2000 but with a whole lot more Facebook, Twitter and information overkill. By information overkill I also mean this blog post.
Bottom line… There is no great “how to” answer, just do it. Then keep doing it until it clicks and don't puss out in the process. Buck up baby, you're worth it. Just don’t be a whore and you’ll be fine. Ok, you can be an itty bitty bit of a whore but just not a big old skanky whore. Have fun, don’t put pressure on yourself, don’t be afraid to tell people no, and don’t be afraid to say yes!
xoxo,
Single Mom Survives
PS. Keep in mind I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Ask and Ye Shall Receive... Eventually
So as you may recall, or not, I put out a call for reader questions for a new site I was working on called The Bomb Baby. Well… I blew up the bomb baby. I dropped the bomb. I threw the baby out. Yet here I sit with all of these awesome questions. Questions that were, I’m guessing, hard for many people to write and these deep and personal questions are just sitting here. With me. The asshole who hasn’t responded.
I’ve been struggling for the past month in many ways of my own and while I’ve been doing that I’ve also been trying to decide what to do with these questions. Toss them, like an asshole, or maybe address them here? I feel like if don’t answer these then it’s like I’ve opened a door and then slammed it in someone’s face. And that is pretty damn rude. So what I’ve decided to do is to go ahead and answer them. And perhaps have a glass of something adult while I do so because some of this shit is hard.
When I first put the call out for reader questions my intent was to deliver snappy half bullshit answers. It was going to be fun, lighthearted, entertaining. The questions I received though made my heart heavy. Some were funny I will admit, most were touching, and all of them I could relate to in one way or another.
I also sat on these questions because I was really struggling. These are legitimate and difficult questions and who the hell am I to offer any type of advice? These questions deserve thoughtful and serious answers because they are serious questions from amazing women.
I’m just a single mom trucking along through the highs and the lows just like most of my readers are. I’ve just been doing it maybe a little longer than most so I’ve learned a few tips and tricks. I’m not a shrink, pastor, bartender or lawyer. I can only give my opinion, which is definitely not the opinion of a professional.
I don’t have all the answers, but I do have some snarky and ridiculous opinions so I think I’ll just run with it that way.
My first Q and A will be posted within 24 hours. Sit back and leave the driving to me. The bitch is back.
xoxo,
Single Mom Survives
October 10, 2010
Lessons Learned
I’ve learned that sometimes getting what you want and what you need are two very different things. Walking away from what you want to take care of what you need, or what needs you, is the right thing to do but it doesn’t make it suck any less.
I’ve learned that love isn’t always enough. Love without action is a fantasy, not a reality.
I’ve learned that long distance relationships are a luxury, financially and emotionally. As a single parent I can’t afford the luxuries in life. This does not mean that I don’t dream about them, yearn for them or want them. It means I can’t have them if the cost is too high.
I’ve learned that the distance between two people can not only be measured in miles, feet and inches, but in feelings, thoughts and actions.
I’ve learned that my ability to take big risks, leaps of faith and bet it all in the gamble of life ended the moment I became a mother.
I’ve learned that when someone really wants something, they move mountains to make it happen. If they don’t, then their heart really wasn’t in it. And that’s ok.
I’ve learned that actions do in fact speak louder than words. Words are cheap. Actions require effort, passion, desire and truthfulness.
I’ve learned that I’m difficult. I’m head strong, determined and stubborn and others opinions don’t influence or change what I believe in and that I actually like that about myself. I’m not meant to be everyone’s cup of tea.
I’ve learned that part of my being strong has made me hard, and has given me unrealistically high expectations of others. And that I may possibly be an asshole from time to time.
I’ve learned that under all that strong, opinionated, stoic woman bullshit there does beat a real heart that loves, and aches, and desires, and gets so frustrated it wants to jump out of its chest and bitch slap a man from time to time.
I've learned that there are some things that I have very little patience for... and that's ok.
I've learned to listen with my gut and not with my ears.
I’ve learned that it’s true, if you love something you must set it free, even if you don’t want to let it go. If it comes back make sure it returns your phone charger.
October 6, 2010
October 4, 2010
Mocking the hate
Rule number one of the “mommy and daddy blogger” fight club is you don’t fucking poke the mama bear. People, DO NOT POKE THE BEAR. I do not know how to be any clearer about this, hopefully the all caps will help.
You have to have thick skin to be a blogger. To be a single parent blogger requires even more. It requires that you be emotionally impervious to ignorance and hate.
A blogger's ability to reach beyond their own community and into a global community where others can read, relate and benefit from the fragments of their life they choose to share is a gift. It’s not a gift from the blogger to the reader, it’s a gift from the reader to the blogger when the reader has a moment that they connect with them. We all find joy in recognizing our highs and lows in similar situations with others. It connects us to something outside of ourselves.
Opening yourself up to a global community on the internet also has a downside… people are dumb. Not all people. Some people. I know it’s harsh, but it had to be said. Just follow me on this one.
Sadly, there are times when a “reader” isn’t really a reader at all and instead is someone just looking for a place to pontificate hate and promote their child-free life site. By child-free I don’t just mean they can’t or have chosen to not have children I mean they hate people with children. Yes, they hate people with children. My guess is they also hate puppies and cotton candy. We annoy them. And not just single parents, married parents as well. Pretty much if you procreate then the people behind this site have so much time on their hands, not having kids, that they sit around and hate you. They post messages about it, and about your blogs, on their site. To that I say let’s play a round of whack-an-idiot. I mean after all I’ve had a blogging slump so hell, I needed something fun to write about!
I received a blog comment this afternoon that, though I deleted it, I feel needs to be addressed. Why does it need to be addressed? It needs to be addressed because not only was the comment left on my blog but three more like it were left on Sex and the Single Dad’s blog. Last time I checked my trusty old dictionary that fell under the definition of harassment. And really, you fuck with me and you get the horns. You fuck with people I care about and you get the whole bull all up in your grill.
First things first, let me be clear when I say that the comment left on my blog did not hurt my feelings. I have a pretty solid sticks-and-stones philosophy and at this point in my life I’m confident enough in myself that another persons opinion of me has no bearing on my opinion of me. It irritated me only because I could see it came from an IP address in my area. By IP address I mean this one 71.57.93.243. How’s your Comcast triple play working out there for you buddy?
The comment left was promoting a website that to be honest was just bizarre. At first I was going to just ignore the comment but then after I got to looking at the website and what a bunch of whackadoodles these people are I changed my mind. You rang my doorbell so let’s play.
Your first comment I could ignore but since you just keep harassing I’ve decided we should have a little chat with each other.
Let me tackle the comment specifically let on my blog first. I removed it but I’ve had a change of heart, even hate filled asshats deserve their day in the bright sunshine so here it is, hope you don’t burn easily:
“sex and the single dad is a cock guzzling f*&. we hate single moo cows too (insert hateful message board link here) get some!”
Oh where oh where do I even start with this one?
First of all, are you so exhausted from all of your crazy bitter hatefulness that you can’t even lift your little hateful finger to hit the caps key and properly punctuate your hate message? I mean I don’t know, I don’t walk around with all that hate and time on my hands so it’s probably pretty exhausting just being you having to search for all those mom and dad blogs to leave hate messages on but shit buddy, even the Unabomber knew how to hit the fucking cap key. You really should have had a V8.
Now calling me a “single moo cow” is perplexing. I mean, I’m sure I was supposed to be offended by that being a woman and all and golly gee we’re so sensitive about the size of our asses since we’ve become moms and a cow is the universal bully symbol for fat. And oh, I’m a single mom so that might hit me even harder since I’m trying to snag a man in order to feel worthy and whole and to pay my bills for me.
Newsflash dipshit – you picked the wrong woman to play that hand with. This woman works her ass off and owns her own home and doesn’t give two shits about you calling her a “moo cow”. In fact I love cows. Milk does a body good bitch, haven’t you heard? And I mean shit, there’s nothing more delicious than a steak perfectly cooked with the little crisscross sear marks burned right into it. Delicious... like me.
The fact that everyone on your site refers to mom’s as moo’s is pretty entertaining mostly because it’s so corny it’s pathetic. That’s the best you guys can do?
Now I get to the part that does piss me off. You go after Sex and the Single dad on my site by calling him a gay slur? Really? Last time I checked the “F” word, which I had to alter above because I can’t even say it, or type it in this case, was a gay hate word. So let me get this right, you hate kids, people who have kids and people who are gay? You must be a barrel of monkeys at the office holiday party. I’m fairly certain that he has never guzzled anything more than a nice cold beer after eating a lovely, delicious, perfectly prepared… “moo cow”. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
So as much as I appreciate all the time and attention you’ve given to leaving hate comments on mom and dad blogs in an effort to promote your child free living website I have surmised that you’re a hateful imbecile who lacks direction and focus. I don’t go on your anti-children message boards and post messages so why the hell do you find it a necessary hobby to harass me via my blog and Sex and the Single Dad’s blog? If you’re a dude, I can promise you that you’re not .01% the man that Sex and the Single Dad is. You wouldn’t make it one day in his shoes. In fact, if you’re a chick you wouldn’t make it a day in his shoes either. In fact, his shoes are more full of awesome than you ever will be.
And as far as the comment about me being a “pig whore slut” you left on his site I would respond to that but suddenly now I’m hungry for bacon too. Damn it! Also, I’m pretty sure I’m not a “whore slut”. Or a “slut whore”. Or whatever it was. I mean I’m all *KAPOW* when it comes to the bedroom but I think to say I have the expert skill of a highly trained professional whore, though flattering, is probably a stretch. God bless my little heart though, I keep trying to achieve whore perfection. I’ll send you a postcard when I get there!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)