Be Vewy Vewy Quiet

One of my favorite carnival games has always been Whack A Mole. There’s just something fun and cathartic about beating the shit out of cute little plastic moles. They pop up, they go down, they pop up and you beat the ever loving crap out of them as quickly as you can. Yeah, that game is fun.

Last week I was out in the backyard with Atticus. He did his usual rounds and then became fascinated with the back corner of our yard. I mean just obsessed with it like there was a secret forest of milk bones buried under the yard. He started scratching right at the fence and wouldn’t come in even. I stood there like an idiot trying to bribe him. Over and over, “Puppy want a cookie? Puppy want a cooke? A cookie? A F**KING COOKIE?!?!?!!!” I even used the annoying voice reserved for puppies and newborn babies. I ended up having to pick him and carry him in.  

The next morning I let Atticus out and he ran right over to the same corner. The farther out I walked in the yard I saw what he was going for. Just at the other side of my fence in my neighbor’s yard I spotted the mysterious “thing”.

What the what??? Clearly something is trying to tunnel its way to my home in a covert attempt to eat me. I had always suspected this would be the way I would go. I mean hello, have you seen the movie Tremors? This aggression will not be tolerated. 

 

This looks like something I may need a shotgun for. I'm not sure if I should shoot these things, gas 'em, bury 'em or buy 'em off. I mean what the hell makes tunnels and holes like that overnight? I had to find out. This is where Twitter, once again, shows its collective brilliance. I can seriously get the answer to every question known to man via Twitter, even when I don't like the answer, in less than two minutes. And before anyone gets all PETA on me  you are more than welcome to come rescue the creatures. With two cats and one puppy my arc is at capacity. 

 

Moles. Mother f**king moles! Once I found out moles were trying to kill me I had to Google that shit. I had no idea what a mole really looked like and I needed to be able to identify one if it came flying out of the ground towards my face. I was sad to see they look nothing like guacamole. Look at that thing, it's terrifying! It has enormous hands. You know what they say about hand size. I sure the hell don't want to see the other half of that little f**ker. That thing scares the shit out of me. Does even it even have eyes or just one big snout, giant teeth and terrifying hand claws? Moles. Who the f**k gets moles? So far wonder pup is keeping them at bay but in the meantime I'm plotting my counter attack. I so don't have time for this shit. If you don't hear from me in a week I've been eaten by the moles.