Uncertainty

I've met some amazing single moms, and dads, while trucking down the road of single motherhood. Each and every one of them have their own amazing stories. We all share common highs, lows, fears, concerns and bartenders on this wild ride we're on. All of their voices deserve to be heard.

I have begun giving some of my favorite single parent writers an assignment. One word. One powerful word.

I've chosen a word for each of them that I know has played a role in their single parent life in a way I know they will be able to write from the gut about. So far the pieces I've received back from these writers are funny, touching, shocking in a hot-damn sort of way and inspiring. I can't wait to begin sharing them with you and I hope you love them as much as I do. 

Today's post is brought to you by a single mom I've had my eyes on for a long time because she's full of wonderful. She's the writer behind Lil Devil Mama (@lildevilmama) and the mama to one handsome little man. After reading the below I'm sure you'll agree she's pretty special.

My dear friend @SnglMomSurvives asked me to take a minute and write a post. Truly I am honored to be in such good company. But it wasn't just a post. It was a reflection on a single word. A word that means something bone shatteringly awful to me at this point in my life. Uncertainty. Ugh that word sucks. I hate it right now. Seriously, I just threw up in my mouth.

According to the genuis powers of knowledge over at Wikidpedia...

Uncertainty...The lack of certainty, A state of having limited knowledge where it is impossible to exactly describe existing state or future outcome, more than one possible outcome.

The timing for this post is god damn brilliant. It's one of those moments when you sit down on the floor, criss cross apple sauce and scream at the ceiling for answers but the stucco brings no damn answers. Why the genius timing? Last week I lost my job. I was told my position was being eliminated. The work I do every day sometimes until the dark hours of the evening was being eliminated. My hard work and daily grind was evaluated and my job no longer exists for no other reason than what I do apparently isn't valid enough to maintain paying me.

As a single Mama, I live with a shit ton of uncertainty every day. No joke. Remember that movie Ground Hog Day? Yeah, it's nothing like that because on the daily I never know what might happen. It's a crapshoot. The one stable thing I truly thought I could count on was my income and my ability to provide the basics for me and the Monkey, my little almost 5-year old man who keeps my days filled with the best parts of this life I've chosen. When we make these choices to raise our kids solo it's a leap of faith that at some point the answers will all fall into place at some point. Then you stop holding your breath or pass out whichever one comes first and you realize the answers are buried deep inside you. And yet if you start to pull those answers out of your soul there is still the uncertainty. It looms over every moment of every day. The questions swirl around your noggin like the flush of a toilet bowl. Will my son's Bio always be there? Uncertainty. Will my son learn that love is unconditional? Uncertainty.Will he know that I have done everything I can for him? Uncertainty. Will he understand that no matter what happens I must be away from his father? Uncertainty. Will he appreciate my choices I made for us? Uncertainty.

And now when the money runs out...how will we survive? How will we have food on our table? How will I pay for the roof over our head? How will I keep shoes on the Monkey's growing feet? How will I keep us afloat? How the hell am I supposed to do this? MORE FUCKING UNCERTAINTY!

It really is times like this that I wonder what the hell I was fucking thinking. I question every move I have made over the last five years. I push myself down into a corner and scream at myself for thinking I could be this woman. I berate myself for taking this little person away from his life he could have had and then I cry. Crumpled in the corner and hearing all the reasons why this is the worst decision I've ever made in my life. And then something happens and it reminds me that nobody puts Baby in a corner. Nobody damn it! Fuck uncertainty! My whole life I have been living on a shoe string budget and a wacky plan under my hat to make shit happen. This is how I roll. I thrive on this type of action. Mama was built for this kind of crap. When I was a kid my Mom taught that no one can fix it for you, you have to own your own shit and make it happen for you. And that's what I'm going to do. The day the Monkey was born I promised myself I would never let anyone run over my dreams to provide him the best life I could possibly afford no matter what and that is exactly what I will continue to do. How? I don't have a fracking clue!!! What I do know is that I can do this again. That's right we've been here before...when the Monkey was almost a year old I was jobless, living with my folks and working temp jobs to make enough to afford health insurance for the kiddo. It was shitty but we did it and we can do it again. *sigh*

Fuck this being a parent shit is hardwork. Uncertainty sucks. I hate it. Today is a good day. Yesterday sucked. Tomorrow is uncertain. I know that nothing is written in stone and that I can only choose to make the best of what is right in front of my today. I don't feel sorry for myself. Everything happens for a good reason. What that is right now I'm not sure and it still sucks. I've grieved the loss of a job I loved to do. I've been angry and experienced denial and felt the feelings drip away from my face in tears of rebirth. I guess that's what this next stage in my life can be. A rebirth of the next phase in my life. Cross your fingers I don't fall to hard on my face!

Say it with me kids....FUCK UNCERTAINTY!